Very Awkward Questions The Novel
by CreativeTitle
Summary: Sam Jr's back, with a rampage of awkwardness round Ankh Morpork!
1. The Birds and Bee's

I would like thank Mr Wakka Man for this story, along with thanks to Goblin Dreamer and MadSpacePotatoe.

Thank you guys, for all your help and support!

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"Daddy?"

A tired Samuel Vimes looked up from his paperwork. Sybil was out seeing some friend from somewhere, and he'd brought Sam Jr to work. He sighed. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes…"

"It's just…"

"Sam, it isn't one of those questions were your mother won't talk to me for a week, is it?"

"No Daddy."

"Or where Vetinari stares at me even more than usual?"

"No Daddy."

"Or where the Assassins 'forget' to pay the rent?"

"Daddy."

"So…"

"Where do babies come from?"

Samuel went red. "I think you'd better ask someone else…"


	2. Victim 2: Uncle Havelock

"What?" Havelock Vetinari stared down in shock at Sam.

"How are babies made?"

"You should really ask your father…"

"I have."

"And what did he say?"

"Ask someone else."

"I see."

"Well, will you tell me?"

"Maybe when your older."

Sam sat on the floor, and burst into floods of tears. He wailed, and screamed, pounding his little fists in the air. Havelock stared helplessly at the little boy.

"Sam."

Sam still cried, ignoring Havelock. "Sam."

"SAM!"

The crying stopped immediately, and Sam smiled at his Uncle Havelock. "Yes?"

Havelock sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked at the wall in front of him with bleary eyes. "Fine." He said, taking a deep breath in, "I'll tell you."

…

Sam sat outside the palace, looking at the sky. He thought over what Havelock had said.

"_When a man and a woman love each other very much, they decide to have a baby. They woman undergoes something called 'pregnancy'. This is were the woman carries the baby in her womb for nine months. Then after these nine months go by, the baby is born."_

"_But Uncle Havelock, how is the baby put in her 'womb'?"_

_Havelock looked at him. "Its just goes there."_

"_But how?"_

_Havelock sighed. "I think you'd better ask someone else…"_

Sam smiled. He knew **exactly** who to ask next…


	3. Victim 3: CMOT Dibbler

"Sausages! Hot sausages inna bun! Get 'em fresh!"

Sam Jr toddled over to a familiar face. "Hello."

Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler looked down and smiled a toothy grin. "Hallo Sam. Sausage?" Sam looked at them doubtfully. "Maybe. Can I ask you a question?"

"Course."

"How are babies made?"

At this question, CMOT Dibbler turned back round, and tried to sell his merchandie again.

"Dibbler?"

"Madame, can I interest you in a fine…"

"Dibbler?"

"Only four pence, like…"

"Can you hear me?"

"Practically cutting me own throat!"

"DIBBLER!"

Dibbler turned back round slowly, his teeth gritted. "Shouldn't you father answer that?"

Sam smiled what he thought to be a innocent smile. "No."

CMOT Dibbler sighed. He looked down at his tray. "Well, a man and a woman meet each other, and they…"

"Love each other very much. Uncle Havelock said so."

"I was gonna say, are very drunk. Anyway, a man…" He looked again into his tray. Looking at pies, he was hit with sudden inspiration.

"A man sticks his sausage into a ladies bun. There you go. That's how babies are made." CMOT wiped his face on his sleeve with a sigh of relief. Sam looked confused. "But ladys don't have buns! Mummy doesn't."

CMOT stared down at Sam. "Just ask someone else, kid."


	4. Victim 4: The Librarian

"Hi!"

"Ook."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Ook?"

"How are babies made?"

The Librarian's eyes widened and his lip rolled back, showing some rather large, yellow teeth.

"OOK!"

"Well?"

"The Librarian jumped onto a bookshelf, and pulled out a slim volume.

"Whats that for?"

He jumped back down, swinging the book around, before presenting it nonchalantly to Sam Jr. Sam gave a sweet smile.

"I can't read."

"Ook."

He climbed back up the bookshelf, putting the book back carefully.

"Ook."

"So, can you just tell me?"

The Librarian watched Sam for a few moments before saying (or grunting)

"Ook. Ook. Ook ook. Ook."

"I don't understand."

"Ook. Ook. Ook ook. Ook."

"Right."

"Ook."

"Kay…"

"OOK!" The librarians arms flapped wildly in the air.

"Nope. Still don't understand."

The Librarian covered his face with his hand.

"Ook."

"Fine. I will ask someone else."

And with that, Sam Jr toddled out the room.


	5. Victim 5Part 1: Captain Carrot

"What?"

A shocked Carrot stared at the small boy in front of him. "What?"

Sam Jr wiped his nose on his sleeve and bounced gently on his heels.

"How are babies made?"

Carrot went red and took in a deep breath.

"Haven't you asked your father?"

Sam sighed and wagged a finger at Carrot.

"I asked Daddy, and he said to ask someone else, so I asked Uncle Havelock and then He said ask someone else, so then I asked Mr Dibbler, and he said ask someone else, then I…"

"Asked someone else?" volunteered Carrot, who was slightly more pink than a very pink thing.

Sam stared at him wide eyed, and then narrowed his eyes at him, in what he thought to be a suspicious manner.

He rose an uncannily Vetinari like eyebrow. "Have you been watching me?"

Carrot blinked and smiled. "No."

Sam glared at hi. "Anyway…"

Carrot sighed. "Are you sure you can't ask your father again?"

Sam jumped onto carrot, forcing him to stand to attention.

"Now listen here Captain Carrot. My Daddy's the boss. And I'm related to the boss. Which makes me the boss too, right? So answer my question!"

Carrot stared at the wall blankly at the wall for a few seconds and sighed.

"Well…"

* * *

**Hi Everyone!**

**i know its been a while, but I forget about this!**

**So, here is another chapter, part one of two!**

**Stay tuned for the next one**

**Please, no flames, cos they're are not friendly, plus its my birthday on sunday, and i don't want them to ruin it!**

**Luv**

**CreativeTitle**

**x**


	6. Victim 5 part 2: Oh dear Carrot

"So what exactly happened Captain?" Vimes whistled looking down at the mute lump of Captain Carrot on the floor. Angue stood at his feet, arms folded and one blonde eyebrow raised. She gestured vaguely with her arm. "I don't know Commander. I heard him talking and later when I went into his office he was alone on the floor. Fainted I suppose." Vimes pinched the bridge of his nose, his mouth a thin line and his eyes squeezed shut. "You didn't happen to see who he was talking to, did you?" A quick flick of a smirk passed over Angua's lips, but it was gobe almost as quickly as it came. "Oh yes Commander. I think I did indeed see the perpertrator." She said seriously, a grin fighting to etch its way onto her face. "And was it...?" Anguas mouth turn into a small grin. "Oh yes Sir." Vimes sighed loudly, rubbing his foehead in a jagged motion. "Her ladyship will not be pleased" he muttered moodily. "No sir" replied Angua, quickly covering her mouth in shock as she let out a rather uncharacteristic giggle. Vimes picked his helmet off the stand as he slowly made his way towards the door. Adjusting the stap under his chin he turned to Angua who has started struggling to push the still body of Captain Carrot onto his side. "Oh and Captain..." Angua stopped, panting slightly and bent double she turned to look at Vimes. "Yes Sir?" Vimes sighed again, rubbing the stubble on his cheek and pushing open the door unto the still cold night air said dimly "Don't tell anyone about this." Angua smiled. "Yes Sir."


	7. Victim 6: Igor

Sam Jr toddled into Igor's Workplace, the newly acquired yet rather stained sheet from his daddy's office trailing along beside him. "Hello Igor" he said cheerfully singing out of tune under his breath and pulling himself onto the sticky wooden (and disturbingly red) bench, swinging his little legs as he sat down. Igor looked down at him, confused by his night visitors lack of alcoholic disposition and complete set of limbs which he did not normally see in people this late. "hello shir." he said. Sam beamed up at him, waving his chubby little hand cheerfully.

"Igor" he said, licking his lips slightly and looking dreamily round the room "can I ask you a question?" Igor looked momentarily puzzled but nodded.

"Igor" Sam said slowly "How are babies made?" Igor froze. Sam continued anyway "Cos I asked Carrot and he said 'well if a man loves a woman very much then he might...' and I said do you do this to Miss Angua and he went very red and fell over and didn't get up so I think he was asleep so I left and" Sam paused and took a breath, his little face pink and flustered "Came to see you" he finished triumphantly. He stopped looking round and looked straight up at Igor, smiling expectantly. Igot had stopped, his purple lips forming a perfect o. He slowly came back to life, his large eyes darting across the rows of shelves.

"Well Shir" he began "I've alwaysh shaid that I will do whatever poshible to help someone, sho..." his may fingered hand began to reach gingerly towards a jar "I can show you if you sho like?"

Sam paused, his eyebrows screwed up as he tried to think, his tongue stuck comically out the side of his mouth "Show me?" he repeated slowly, looking down at his feet "Will that take long?" "Not at all," said Igor proudly "in fact, shome couplesh find it only takesh a couple of minutesh at the mosht..."

"No." interrupted Sam quietly.

"No?" repeated Igor, his 3 eyebrows raised in confusion, his hands still wrapped around the jar containing the mysterious floating objects in it.

"No" said Sam Jr, sadly but surprisingly firmly. "It'll take too long. I just need to know quickly."

"But shir!" Sam closed his eyes and shook his little head sadly, his little hands pushing himself off the bench. "I'm sorry Igor he said as he walked slowly towards the door, "that will simply take too long" he waved at Igor and pushed open the door, bumbling off into the frosty night."

"Pleashe do come again!" Igor called after him, shaking his head slightly before going back on with business as usual.

Sam walked down the street, taking a left and slowly made his way nearer the gates of the Unseen University...


	8. Victim 7: Mrs Palm

Sam Jr's little feet padded slowly along causing little footprints to be marked into the frosty floor. Suddenly he stopped looking timidly up at a figure standing underneath the lamplight just outside the university gates. A beautiful older woman stood there, her chestnut hair piled neatly on her head, her deep red dress dancing in the cold night air, one elegant hand holding a thin cigarette. Sam Jr beamed. "Hello Mrs Palm!"  
The woman jumped, choking slightly and giving a throaty cough. She turned in shock. "Sam?" She said eyes wide. Sam waved a chubby little hand. "Hello!" he smiled, his beam turning down into a frown as his little eyebrows knotted in disapproval. He pointed at her. "That's a cigarette. That's naughty!" Rosemary Palm shrugged breathing smoke into the mist. Sam Jr continued to frown. "Mummy says it's naughty to smoke" he scolded "She always tells daddy off if he does. Almost as badly as he gets told off for when he's outisde and finds an assassin and he goes and..."  
Mrs Palm loud sigh interrupted his speech. "It used to be a post coital thing," she murmered "Now it seems to have stuck. But you know what they say. Simple pleasures." Her eyes glinted devilishly. "And don't I know all about that." she said with a smirk. She looked down at Sams face which had adopted a blank look. "Right..." he said, his mouth parted as he tried to think. "Ooh Mrs palm!" he said excitedly; Rosemary looked at him bemusedly as she took another drag on her cigarette. "Can I ask you a question?" he said, clapping his hands together as his face lit up with a smile. Rosemary smiled in reply and gave an elegant nod of her head, one hand on her hip and the other holding the cigarette cupping her chin lightly.  
"Mrs Palm," said Sam dreamily, "Do you know how babies are made?!"  
Rosemary froze, eyeing Sam, lifting one beautifully shaped eyebrow to see if he was being serious. Sam's face fell. "If you don't know I can always ask someone else..." he began quietly. Mrs Palm laughed. "Of course I know darling!" She said with a mischievous wink "I mean, I practically wrote the rule book on it!" She continued to laugh as Sams face resumed the blank expression which he had inherited so marvellously from his father."Yes, Daddy often says that Mrs Palm and her friends know far too much for their own good." Mrs Palms laugh came to a abrupt halt. Her eyes narrowed "Did he now."  
Sams eyes looked up at her sweetly "Also, whats a tuppenny upright?"  
"A type of jam doughnut" she snapped. Her face took on a more gentle look "Haven't you asked your father how babies are made?" She said quietly. Sam Jr sighed dramatically, throwing his arms in the air. "He said to ask someone else!" he said high pitchedly. Mrs Palm smiled.  
"Well" she began "When a man pays a high enough price for a woman..."  
"Mrs Palm" interrupted Sam "Mrs Palm I have another question." Rosemary scowled. "Yes?"  
"What are you doing outside the University at this time? Daddy told me that Wizards aren't allowed to go near women and have to be celiboat, at least I think that's what he said. Mrs Palm, what does celiboat mean? Mrs Palm?" He looked round bewilderedly at the retreating form of Mrs Palm, who had decided that actually it was rather late, she was suddenly rather tired and she had to be up rather early for a very important guild meeting so had better go to bed right now. "No need to mention this to your father!" She called as she left speedily, picking up her skirts and dropping the lit cigarette butt on the floor. Sam watched her leave, clutching his sheet around him, his face falling in disappointment.  
"Bye bye Mrs Palm" he said quietly, a sad look on his face. Turning he pushed slightly at the large iron gates of the Unseen University and walked slowly inwards.


	9. Victim 8: The Archchancellor

Sam Jr pushed open the door to Ridcully's office with great effort. He fell inside. Ridcully looked up excitedly before realising there was a child laying flat on his floor. He stroked his long beard in confusion. "Sam?"

Sam looked up from the floor, pushing out one arm from beneath him to wave. Puzzled Ridcully gave a slow wave back. With the air of a beetle stuck on its back in chewing gum Sam tried to get off the floor, succeeding eventually after a suddenly animated statue in Mustrums office picked him up by his foot.

"Hello Mr Ridcully!" said Sam happily, pulling himself onto a lavishly padded armchair. Mustrum peered over Sam's head, leaning slightly to get a better view. "You didn't by any chance see Mrs Palm on the way in did you?" He asked, looking down at Sam hopefully. Sam frowned. Mustrum shrugged, gently caressing his beard again, He beamed. "How can I help Sam?"

Sam grinned happily."I have a very important question Mr Ridcully!" he said excitedly. Mustrum chuckled. "And you thought you'd come to the Archchancellor did you? Wise move that boy; you thought I could help with all my vast knowledge of Science, Magic and the Ways of the Universe?" Sam frowned again.

"No," he said politely, "I went to see Mr Stibbons first but no one answered. Then I came to you."

Mustrum's face fell. "But I thought you might know so I came here. As Daddy says," Sam puffed out his chest with pride and went pink, "Those annoying bastards seem to know every damn bloody thing." Now it was Sams turn to look confused. "What does annoying bastards mean?"

Mustrum sighed tiredly. "What was your question?" Sam looked up from the spot at his feet where he was staring. "Where do babies come from?"

Mustrum paused before giving a hearty laugh. "Well he said reaching across his desk to the vast cheese board in front of him and picking up a couple of objects. "Well" he said grasping a piece of Lancres finest Emmental cheese and a breadstick making a stabbing motion "The man takes his.. eerr... wand... and inserts it into the womans... errm... draws and..."

Sam Jr looked on horrified. Mustrums face was pink and he began to sweat, still making the motions. "And then er he does this... and ermm..."

A loud bell went off down the corridor. Mustrum looked up quickly, sniffing the air like a fat old wizard who has smelt a pie. "Pie..." he said, a vacant look in his eyes. Dropping the cheese he grabbed his wand and sped out the room at top speed, robes flapping madly around him. Sam watched him, sadly shaking his head in a cynical fashion, before leaving the dark office and wandering off into the cold night


End file.
